Jana was the name I went by for such a long time.
I don't know why, but it always felt so masculine to me, and I remember thinking that maybe I was meant to express more masculine traits. I was one of those that claimed that though I was a girl, I'm not like all the other girls [a].
I told myself that I can't be a girly girl because girly girls are weak and I needed to be strong. I was ran around, pretending to be tough. Jana was boyish, has no interest in make-up, and she is going to kick butts.
After moving to Korea, I had a roommate tell me that in that country, make-up is really important. It has become part of the norm that women needed to wear it daily. It was supposed to show that you respected the people that you were meeting by presenting your best to them [b].
So I had to learn to put on make-up. The first attempts were funny, but as I explored it more and more, I realized how much fun I was having learning about the different ways I could paint my face. I learnt about skin care and the kind of products one had to buy to make sure that your face does not age too fast [c].
I also started becoming better when it came to fashion. I started wearing dresses and beautiful shoes. I was learning about A-line dresses, what shoes matched with what top, all the beautiful earrings and necklaces.
I felt like such a changed woman. Gone were the days I would wear loose outfits, a baseball cap and call it a day. I looked at myself and thought for the first time:
"Man, I looked good."
Nowadays, I ask my friends to call me Glaiza. When I hear Jana, I hear boyish games and indifferent laughter. Glaiza reminds me of pretty pink things, and I realized that I loved pretty pink things. I loved being a girl, no longer ashamed of my femininity, and no longer making excuses for being one of those other girls. Why? Because there's nothing wrong with those other girls.
And I'll use my wedge wearing feet to kick the butts of whoever says otherwise.
***
Footnotes:
a. My old online handle contained the word "uniquegirl" - I was basic before it became a thing.
b. I mean, of course, that's problematic, but I wasn't about fight the patriarchy all by lonesome.
c. I honestly used to not care, and it wasn't because of my soaring self-confidence. Quite the opposite: I believed I was already ugly - why bother trying to look any better?