The tick-tock-ing of a clock when I have nowhere to go, a thumb on infinitely scrolling with nothing to read, and a dark cloud inside my mind with no wind to blow it away.
The idea of doing nothing is something I never got used to. As soon as I graduated from high school [a], I was moving to a different country. Higher degree and the culture shock ensured that I would be busy. When I was just starting to get used to it - I moved again.
An even higher education, a "career" [b], and a whole new country with a different set of rules and regulations kept me busy once more.
School, work, school, work - it was a busy cycle. Don't get me wrong, I played too and I played hard. Yet, it seemed my playing was just something to add to my jam-packed schedule. Something to avoid stopping and taking a moment to breathe.
I never really stopped to breathe.
Right now, circumstances have forced me to slow down. I can't work or attend classes in the traditional sense of the word [c]. Sometimes, I wonder if moving to America was the right move.
Then I look at my husband.
Did you know he moved across the world, just so he could continue dating me in person? Did you know he spent almost a year working odd jobs while I followed my dreams of being a preschool teacher in Cambodia? [d] Did you know that he didn't care at all that I was scared he was going to regret because he decided he was going to be brave enough for the both of us?
If it meant that we could be together as husband and wife, then of course moving to America was the right choice. If he could do something like that, then surely I could learn to wait a few more months and not go totally insane, right?
I'll just have to look at him instead of the ticking clock.
***
Footnotes:
a. Many, many moons ago.
b. Part time graduate student, part time teacher, and part time bartender.
c. Waiting for immigration to get to my case means I'm not allowed to work until I get my work permit, and I can't afford to pay for school with the money I don't have from not working.
d. Did you know he was the first and only one who gave me a rose on Valentine's Day with or without any hints dropped?